This is.. strange. I suppose that would work at a lack of a more fitting word.
I could not fall asleep last night. I do not know why, and it is quite confusing. I went to bed just after midnight but I simply could not fall asleep. I tried with music, without it, with blankets, without them, with cat, without cat. Though I might say that she did not aprove of getting removed from the bedroom and returned shortly.
Everytime I laid down and tried to relax I got this.. nasty feeling. You know when there is something that you fear or that you definitely dont want to be a part of? You know how you feel the night before. That sick, twisting feeling in your stomach? Everytime I laid down, it was there. It did not matter what I tried. Atalantis, Moya, Eureka, home, away, here, there.. Nothing worked. When I got up to get a glass of water, it went away. When I went back to bed it came back. Everytime I got out of bed it left, as if it had never been there. And the strange thing was; I almost believed it. I could hardly remember having it and I never believed that it would come back. Yet it did. Over and over again.
At half past three I gave up. Took a warm shower, got dressed and crawled up in the couch for a session of KotOR2 on my Xbox. I was not tired and I had not been during the entire night. At six I decided to try again and went to bed. The feeling didnt come back but I was so restless that it felt as if my very skin was trying to crawl away. So at seven I gave up, again. Second time in one night and took another shower before I finished cleaning the apartment.
My parents showed up a few minutes before nine. I decided to make a Daim-cheesecake withouth thinking about the fact that I would never be able to finish it on my own. They were only to happy to render assistance. Or so they said. They only took one slice each. So now I have to have more guests over. Perfect.
Since I have the afternoon shift this week I got on the 13.00 bus and now I got tired, and would have fallen asleep if it would not have been for me constantly biting my tongue.
Now its half past six in the afternoon. I have been up for just about 36 hours. Not that there is anything to worry about, I usually do not get any trouble from lack of sleep until three-four nights withouth sleep. The almost-falling-aslepp-on-the-bus was strange enough but now I feel.. empty. I can not even summon the energy to get annoyed at the more then rude customers I have had since Sara left. Three women who would have had me furious any other night. Now I just sigh and shake my head.
I cant seem to focus my thoughts. They shatter lite butterflies on a field and I can not catch them to put them back together. I do not have the words to describe where I am or what it feels like. Perhaps.. At peace?